So today, I decided to just quit breastfeeding cold turkey. I know that's not really the advised way to go about things for multiple reasons, the main one being if you just up and quit all at once you get really engorged. Sorry for any man who might be reading this. But I've already replaced about half of his feedings with bottles and since I've made the decision to quit, I now want to just get it over with. Now obviously if you read my blog last night you know that this is a decision I just made today. The reason for the sudden change of heart is I went to my six week check up today. My doctor asked if I was breastfeeding and I told her I was but I am in the process of weaning him. I knew that question was going to be asked when I went today and before the appointment I was actually nervous about telling her that I was quitting. Why, you might ask? Because I feel guilty about quitting since I'm really just quitting for myself and not because I really can't breastfeed. And my guilt doesn't have anything to do with me or what I think about breast vs. bottle feeding. It has everything to do with what other people think about it. When I am talking to or even thinking about someone who has breastfed their child(ren) for a more extended period of time (and when I say extended I mean four months or longer) I feel embarrassed that I just don't want to keep doing this. Why do I have to be made to feel bad about feeding my child something that is keeping him healthy and strong and that will fill his tummy and make him and me happy at the same time? I have to say I'm tired of feeling that way, of feeling looked down on or lesser as a mother because I am choosing to not breastfeed. No offense to those of you who are supporters of breastfeeding. I support it as well, but I also support bottle feeding and after having two other babies who were bottle fed and who turned out just fine and perfectly healthy, I don't see why I should feel bad about this. Now the reason that my doctor's appointment was what made me decide that enough is enough is because when I told my doctor that I was quitting because I just don't really care for the whole process and I was being selfish, she told me that she also bottle fed her second child because she felt the same way I did about it. Let me tell you that lifted such a huge weight of guilt off my shoulders. If a medical professional, and one who delivers babies for a living at that, was ok with bottle feeding her baby because she didn't enjoy breastfeeding, then it's ok for me to do that too. And if I sound bitter about this whole thing, well it's because I am! Ok, I'm just kidding, I'm not really bitter, I just needed to vent about the whole thing for a second.
Now to address my second obsession: Tyler's sleeping habits. Today I tried my ideas for getting him to put himself to sleep and they worked pretty well. For this being the first day, I was encouraged at how he settled down for his naps. Tonight was a slightly different story. Bedtime is usually a little harder for him because for the two to three hours before that time, he tends to be fairly cranky. Not crying constantly or anything like that, but just irritable and he doesn't want me to sit down with him, he wants to be walked. I also can't put him in anything, even the swing. So I spend most of that time holding him and I think by bedtime, he's gotten so used to that that he wants me to just keep holding him till he's sleeping completely. And even then, in the past, he would still wake up when I would initally put him down and I would have to start all over. Hence the desire to get him to go to sleep on his own when I put him down awake. I know that fussy time in the evenings will end eventually too so I'm not real concerned about that. I dealt with the same thing with both of my other kids. So anyway, back to tonight. My method right now, since he's really little and I don't want to just let him cry till he goes to sleep on his own, is to let him cry till he gets real good and worked up when I first put him down and then I'll go and pick him up and hold him till he is calm again and is sucking his pacy again. Then I put him down and we do it again till he goes to sleep laying there. Tonight wasn't terrible or anything, just not as good as the naps during the day were. The good thing about this method is I'm doing a lot of going up and down the stairs so Tyler is giving me a good aerobic work out.
In the midst of all this with Tyler, I am also potty training Jake. That is another area of work that's never ending for me and also the guilt that moms sometimes experience. Several months ago when I was still pregnant with Tyler, I attempted potty training Jake. But it was winter and cold out so every accident he had, he complained of being cold. Then there was me, already tired just from pregnancy, having to run up and down the stairs every time Jake called that he needed to potty. Not exactly a recipe for success. So I ended up letting him wear diapers again. I feel really badly about that now. I mean I don't feel bad for not wanting to exhaust myself anymore than necessary but I really should have thought things through more and not even tried to do that while I was pregnant. Now Jake thinks that eventually he'll be back to wearing diapers so this whole process is probably going to take longer than it really needed too. But I guess there's no use thinking about what might have been.
Well, I feel a lot better now. I was feeling somewhat stressed because Tyler was fussier than normal before bed but now I'm feeling calmer about things. Hooray for blogging!
3 comments:
It's always nice to just be able to put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. A good stress reliever. I think what you're doing is great and don't let yourself feel guilty about it. Your baby, your choice. As for your technique to getting him to put himself to sleep, that's very similar to what "The Baby Whisperer" recommends. She said you may have to pick them up and put them back down 20 times or more (high maintenance babies maybe up to 100 times!), but eventually they will learn that you aren't going to hold them until they fall asleep. And each night the number of times you have to do that decreases until you lay him down and he goes to sleep. Good luck! I'm sure he'll be sleeping through the night within the month.
It's nice to see that you're blogging now too! Like Lydia said, sometimes it's good to get how you feel down on paper, it seems to relieve some of the stress. It is stressful having a newborn....I remember that part very well. You're doing great though and it is your choice to either breastfeed or not. I think that's a personal thing with each mother! Hang in there, the newborn phase goes by so fast and before you know it they're big already and your missing the the newborn stage:)
Grace, I totally understand you not wanting to breast feed. Well, I say I understand it although I've never gone through it. I just know that it's not going to be something I really enjoy but I also, like you, feel like it's something I "should" do and should at least give a chance. My current goal is to make it 3 months and then see how things go from there. My driving force for doing it right now is how much money it would save, to be quite honest, and also for the health of the baby.
On a side note, I'm very excited that you have joined the world of blogging. I think you will have lots to say and I will enjoy reading it! I've already enjoyed reading your posts so far and look forward to continuing reading them. I like reading blogs of young moms because I feel like I learn a lot from them on motherhood and what to expect and such. Plus, I do agree that it's a great way to keep us "far away" family members up to date with the happenings of your family and get to see pictures of your kids and hear about the funny things they do.
Soon I'll be joining you in sharing stories about my kid. I'm looking forward to it. :)
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