Sleep and Eat, Eat and Sleep

Ok so, having a newborn is major work. I knew that before I got pregnant, right? Right. So why did I do this again? Oh yeah, I guess they don't stay newborn, not even for more than two months or so. When exactly are they just considered an infant and not newborn anyway? After one month? After six weeks or two months? But I digress and it doesn't really matter anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, why I had another baby. So they don't stay newborn, plus they smell really sweet, they are great for cuddling, when they are smiling at you it's one of the best feelings in the world, when they aren't a baby anymore, they become really funny, and I could go on but you get the picture, and if you have kids of your own you know what I'm talking about. Those are all just great features that babies have in general. For us specifically we wanted three kids and so Tyler is #3. Coming from a family of five kids myself, I wanted to have the bigger family that comes from having more than just one or two kids (not that 3 kids is a huge family by any means, but in today's time it's slightly bigger than average). Paul just had two kids in his family so he wanted to have at least three also. I loved my first two babies and when I found out I was pregnant with both of them I was beyond excited. Their babyhoods, while both had difficult moments, were fun and just flew by. I love Tyler to death as well and I know that's how the next year will be for Tyler as well, but these first couple of months are always the hardest. And so keep that and the fact that I haven't slept through the night pretty much since I got pregnant in mind as you read on.

With my first two kids, I didn't last longer than 2 1/2 months breastfeeding for various reasons that are too lengthy (read boring) to get into right now. So when I got pregnant this last time I was determined to nurse for at least 4 to 6 months. I'm not really sure why that was so important to me, I think just because I knew that I was capable of breastfeeding, as in I actually produced milk and seemingly enough to feed at least one baby, if not two. Also, breastfeeding is free and free is always a good thing. The reasons breastfeeding didn't work out the first two times had more to do with outside factors or with the baby I was trying to feed than with breastfeeding itself so I figured that given the right circumstances, I would be able to do it. I knew that up to the first six weeks would be a challenge as I worked to establish my milk supply and to get the baby on a good routine and all that. However I figured that within the first couple of weeks, I would at least be somewhat comfortable with it. So it's been a surprise and a disappointment to me to find that I really don't enjoy breastfeeding. It's not a satisfying experience for me in any way really. Tyler is kind of a spastic nurser, in that he will pull off often and grunt and squirm a lot, I think due in part to the slowness that the milk comes out and possibly because of the varying taste of my milk depending on what I ate recently. So nursing him can sometimes feel like a wrestling match with both of us sweating and breathless and at least one of us crying when it's over with. But even the times that he nurses peacefully and is happy and relaxed when he's done so I know he's full, I still don't get any enjoyment out of the experience. Now I know that breastfeeding is really good for the baby and isn't really about me or what I'm getting out of it, but I'll admit to being very selfish about the whole thing and tell you that I have already started weaning Tyler to the bottle. Yes I know I said I wanted to do it for at least four months but that was before I had actually been doing it. Those moms out there who might feel something similar to what I do about the whole thing but who continue to nurse anyway have my eternal respect and admiration, but this momma needs to not feel stressed every time her baby eats. I mean, really, he eats like every 3 hours, so I'm eternally obsessing about what I can do to make things easier for him, wondering what I'm eating that might be bothering him, longing for the day when he'll sleep through the night and worrying that he might never settle in to a routine while being breastfed. So to spare myself that angst and Paul the constant "what should I dos" that I've been throwing out there, I decided that as good as breastmilk might be for Tyler, it just isn't worth that to me. Now if I didn't have something as great as formula to give him as a substitute, of course I wouldn't be doing this, but having bottle fed my other two kids for most of their first year of life, I know that it's really close to being just as good as breast milk. My older two kids are incredibly healthy, scary smart and have no known allergies to speak of so all the claims that breastmilk will help all of those things in babies apparently doesn't mean that formula won't allow for those same things too. Not that I don't believe that breastmilk isn't best for babies, I mean God made us this way and designed breastmilk to be for babies so I know it's good, but with in today's time, formula is a really good substitute. So I will somewhat sheepishly admit that I really can't wait to have him be completely on a bottle and to have my body back. I might temporarily regret quitting breastfeeding, but I'm starting to think that I won't feel as badly about it as I did when I quit nursing Jake (he was only two weeks old when I quit so I regretted not giving it a full six weeks).
Another current obsession is sleeping for Tyler, not only sleeping through the night but falling asleep. He likes to be rocked, which is fun, but not so much at 3 in the morning when he won't stay asleep when I put him back in his crib. Jake was a baby who hated to be rocked. In fact at first we thought he had reflux because he would cry so much after he ate when I was still rocking him to go to sleep. I finally figured out that he just wanted to be put in his crib and he would go to sleep on his own. Now let me tell you, that was an AWESOME trait for a baby to have built in to their system. Of course, that completely spoiled me and now that I have a more "normal" baby who enjoys being rocked to sleep and who is going to need to be taught to go to sleep on his own, I'm at a loss. Riley was the same way Tyler is, but being my first baby, I ignorantly put up with it until she was six months old and so used to being rocked that when I finally started having her cry herself to sleep, she would cry for an hour or more at first. It didn't take her long to get the picture of how it was going to be though. But since she was an older baby, there was more of a comfort level with letting her just cry in her crib without picking her up for a long time. Tyler is still tiny, can't roll over, and is just now getting to where he's holding his head up with some control so when he's been crying for a few minutes and really gets good and worked up, I start worrying whether I should be just letting him go or not. I have come up with a few ideas that I'm going to try over the next couple of days that I hope will work in teaching him to fall asleep on his own. Once he starts doing that really well, I'll feel a little more relaxed about things. I have apparently really gotten spoiled to having older kids who can be put in their beds and expected to just go to sleep and stay there all night without question. Oh well, as Darius Rucker's song says "it won't be like this for long".